| A wise man once said, "If you ignore something long | | | | turn pass the message along to someone else, soon |
| enough, eventually it will go away." Actually, he said it | | | | the world will be a sane place once again. |
| several times, but nobody listened so he left.That old | | | | A "retired" Beanie Baby, one that has been taken out |
| saw is one reason I've never done a column on | | | | of circulation, can go for a thousand times its original |
| Beanie Babies. I thought that if I could just resist the | | | | cost. A complete collection of Beanie Babies (600 in all) |
| urge to poke fun and ignore their existence long | | | | is valued at $100,000. Here are the top ten most |
| enough, they would eventually go the way of | | | | valuable.As further proof of the need for an |
| Cabbage Patch Dolls and Tickle Me Elmos. Of course, | | | | organization like Beanie Babies Anonymous,read the |
| ignoring them didn't work and I should have known | | | | following transcripts and media accounts of how |
| better. I've been ignoring my kids for years and they're | | | | Beanie Baby Mania is affecting our world.From the |
| still around, standing right outside the bathroom door, | | | | Disassociated Press: |
| pounding on it, asking me what I'm reading in there. My | | | | OAK BROOK, IL (DP): Shares in McDonald's Corp. |
| oldest caught me looking at the newspaper on the | | | | rose to a 52-week high Wednesday in response to |
| front porch the other day and asked if I shouldn't be | | | | the news that the fastfood giant will stop selling food |
| doing that in private. I think it's time to talk boarding | | | | effective immediately and will instead become the |
| school. Russian boarding school. But first, comrade, | | | | nations top retailer of Beanie Babies. McDonald's stock |
| back to the subject at hand.I think Beanie Babies are | | | | jumped over three dollars per share after the |
| cute, cuddly little creatures, and I will admit to having | | | | announcement. A company spokesman said, "Nobody |
| spent a few of my hard- earned dollars on Beanies | | | | wants our food anymore, but everybody wants |
| for my baby girl to play with (I can hear many of you | | | | Beanie Babies. The change just makes sense."Tom |
| screaming, "They're not meant to be played with!"). But | | | | Brokaw, NBC Nightly News: |
| never have I sat outside a McDonald's at two in the | | | | "Addressing a large crowd in Lahore, Pakistan on |
| morning waiting for it to open so I could get an Egg | | | | Saturday, Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif |
| McMuffin and a Teenie Beanie to go. And I apologize in | | | | defended his country's decision to detonate six nuclear |
| advance if I insult anyone, but I think people who go to | | | | devices last week and said that Pakistan will continue |
| such great lengths to buy a child's toy need help. And | | | | nuclear testing until India signs the "No Nuke" test treaty |
| that's what this column is all about.You see, my sister, | | | | and the Ty Corporation gives every man, woman and |
| a normally sane, rational human being, is awash in the | | | | child in Pakistan a Nana the Monkey Beanie Baby. |
| Beanie Baby craze. She has tiny synthetic pellets | | | | More now from Christiana Amonpour in |
| racing through her veins and they are starting to affect | | | | Lahore..."Bernard Shaw, CNN Headline News: |
| every facet of her life. She is the reason I am willing to | | | | "This just in: Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr has |
| break my vow of ignorance and speak out against | | | | announced that he is issuing subpoenas to executives |
| these demons in plush clothing. The thought of her | | | | of the Ty Corporation, the company that markets |
| sitting outside a Hallmark store at three in the morning | | | | Beanie Babies. Starr claims his investigations have |
| staring blindly at a dog- eared copy of "The Beanie | | | | revealed that President Clinton gave Monica Lewinsky |
| Baby Bible" just sends chills down my spine. The | | | | a 'Grunt the Razorback Pig' Beanie Baby as a gift |
| woman needs help, my friends, and I am willing to take | | | | after a sexual encounter in the White House."Mike |
| on the task at hand.So, to help my dear sister and the | | | | Wallace, 60 Minutes: |
| millions of others who have fallen under the spell of | | | | "The Ty Corporation, the company that sells Beanie |
| Beanie Baby mania, I am officially founding Beanie | | | | Babies, is so secretive that not even the US |
| Babies Anonymous, an organization dedicated to | | | | government knows who is in charge. The company |
| helping you just say no to Beanie Babies. BBA will | | | | continually refused our requests for interviews and, in |
| follow a simple 4-step program designed to help even | | | | an anonymously-signed statement, said that, quote, '...if |
| the most severely- addicted junkie kick his/her Beanie | | | | you do not immediately cease with your investigation |
| Baby habit.Here are the 4 steps of BBA. Follow them | | | | into our operation we will have no choice but to send |
| to the letter and soon your life will be yours to live | | | | out a very large blue bear to bite your head off.' |
| again:Step 1) | | | | Unquote."Dan Rather, CBS Evening News: |
| Admit you have a problem: The first step in any | | | | "Good evening. The bottom fell out of the Beanie |
| recovery program is admitting that you have a | | | | Baby market today when it was revealed that the |
| problem. Here are the three warning signs of Beanie | | | | man in charge of the Ty Corporation, the mysterious |
| Baby Addiction. If you can relate to at least one of | | | | company behind the popular line of plush toys, is none |
| them, you are a Beanie Baby Junkie.(1) You would | | | | other than Microsoft CEO Bill Gates himself. |
| willingly camp out all night outside a McDonald's in the | | | | Competing manufacturers of teddy bears and other |
| highest crime district in town just to be the first in line | | | | plush toys have come out accusing Gates of trying to |
| on Teenie Beanie day. | | | | monopolize the plush toy industry, prompting the |
| (2) You have no qualms about snatching Beanie | | | | Justice Department to order an immediate |
| Babies from the hands of little children and if it makes | | | | investigation."Alright, I made those up. But the following |
| them cry, well tough patootie! And | | | | accounts are real, as reported by the Associated |
| (3) If you can't swing a dead cat (is there a dead cat | | | | Press:Forty guns were handed over to police in |
| Beanie?) anywhere in your house without hitting a | | | | Kanakakee, Ill., in exchange for Teenie Beanie Babies, |
| display of Beanie Babies, you have a problem. A big | | | | miniature versions of Beanie Babies given out by |
| problem. | | | | McDonald's as a Happy Meals premium. The |
| Step 2) | | | | no-questions-asked swap brought in 23 pistols and 17 |
| Admit that your addiction is harmful to others: You've | | | | shotguns in one day.In an attempt to thwart the |
| probably been too busy feeding that Beanie Baby | | | | smuggling in of Beanie Babies available only in Canada, |
| monkey on your back to notice that the rest of your | | | | the U.S. Customs Service strictly enforces a |
| life has gone to pot. Your addiction not only affects | | | | one-Beanie rule. "A consumer is allowed to have one |
| you, but those closest to you. Have your children | | | | Beanie Baby for personal use every 30 days,'' says |
| moved in with relatives because you forgot to fix | | | | Customs officer Ralph Hackney. Any more are |
| dinner eighteen nights in a row because you were | | | | subject to seizure.Customs agents seized an incoming |
| busy dusting the tags in your Beanies' ears? Did you | | | | shipment at O'Hare International Airport last December. |
| angrily take the family dog to the pound and order | | | | Their catch: 456 imitations of Beanie Babies. Most |
| them to "Gas the SOB!" just because he growled at | | | | were fake versions of "Grunt," the toy red razorback |
| your Princess Di Beanie Bear? Have you been served | | | | pig that is considered a collector's items and sells for |
| with divorce papers that contain the phrase "refuses | | | | as much as $130 each.The Minnesota Better Business |
| to consummate marriage because it would disturb | | | | Bureau runs a Beanie Baby hotline to warn consumers |
| Happy the Hippo's nap?" If so, you owe everyone you | | | | of suspected counterfeits. |
| know a big apology, especially your dog, God rest his | | | | Basketball's Philadelphia 76ers handed out 5,000 |
| soul. | | | | Beanies to children 12 and under during a game this |
| Step 3) | | | | year against the Golden State Warriors. It was only |
| Cast the snake from the garden: This is perhaps the | | | | the second sellout game of the 76ers season. The |
| most difficult, yet most important mile marker on the | | | | other was against the Michael Jordan and the Bulls.A |
| road to recovery. This is where you rid your life of the | | | | crowd of thousands lined up outside a store in San |
| furry, little monsters that have almost driven you to the | | | | Mateo, Calif., for the chance to buy new and retired |
| point of no return. Follow my directions to the letter and | | | | Beanie Babies at below-market prices. The store gave |
| do it quickly, without thinking, because if you stop to | | | | out tickets, then called out random numbers. Those |
| think about what you're doing, your addiction will take | | | | selected got to go in and buy the toys for $5.99 |
| the upper hand and you will be lost again. With that in | | | | each.Burglars broke into a suburban Chicago home in |
| mind, here is the biggest step you must take: Box up | | | | mid-April. They left the TV, stereo and most other |
| every Beanie Baby you own, especially Peanut the | | | | valuables, but made off with a gold ring and a number |
| Elephant and Brownie the Bear, and send them to me, | | | | of Beanie Babies, all valued at $4,000.In Orange |
| Tim Knox, Director of Beanie Babies Anonymous, in | | | | County, California, owners of a collectibles shop were |
| care of this website. Send me your kids' Beanie | | | | treated and released for head injuries in early April |
| Babies, too! I will take these vile creatures and dispose | | | | after being clubbed with an iron barbell by thieves who |
| of them for you free of charge so that they will never | | | | made off with $6,000 worth of rare Beanie Babies.The |
| infect the lives of normal people again. Don't forget, | | | | final divorce decree for Randy and Jan Staffan of |
| box them up and send them to me as soon as | | | | Minneapolis stated that he got the house, much of its |
| possible. I guarantee that both our lives will be enriched. | | | | furnishings, and a few vehicles. She got to keep her |
| | | | salon business and half the couple's Beanie |
| Step 4) Spread the gospel to others: This is the final | | | | Babies.Shocking, isn't it? Friends, let's stop this madness |
| step in overcoming Beanie Baby Addiction. You must | | | | before it's too late.Send those Beanie Babies to me |
| go out into the world and tell everyone you meet the | | | | today!From "Small Business Q&A" With Tim Knox |
| story of your addiction. Give witness to the masses. | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, author, |
| Show them the light. Have them send their Beanie | | | | speaker, and radio show host. |
| Babies to me. You are getting sleepy... Remember, if | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize |
| you can change the life of just one person and they in | | | | their business dreams. |